Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Art of Commenting

In today’s day and age, it’s easy to share your unwanted opinions with the rest of the world. From online news articles to YouTube to retail product reviews, the world wide web wants to know exactly what you think and feel: your uncensored, honest opinion is in demand even if it's interspersed with misspelling and grammatical errors.
Often, the reader’s comments are more interesting than the product or news article, itself. Especially, when the comments get personal!
Today, I read an article about why Sanskrit should not be declared a dead language in India. The most popular comments and arguments for not shelving Sanskrit with Latin and other dead languages were:
- Sanskrit is the mother of all Indian languages
- Sanskrit is the language of GODS.
You can tell right away that people take this shit very personally because they capitalized “God”. I thought to myself: “So what if it’s the mother of all languages? It can be the fucking great-grandmother of all languages in the world but if it’s not relevant to today’s day and age, who gives a shit?”
But it doesn’t matter, because, as someone else said: Sanskrut is the mother of my Mother toung!
“Mother Toungs” aside, my favorite comment of the article was:
 All the glorious literature is in Sanskrit. As such, for all Yoga practitioners and teacher around the world, Sanskrit is milking cow.
This comment is fantastic because the analogy is so over the top: you learn to appreciate the fact that speaking Sanskrit can actually somehow relate to milking cows. Who knew?
My favorite comments usually have to do with Indians and Pakistanis bickering over who is better. The said video or article will have nothing to do with the ancient animosity between India and Pakistan, but just like a flurry of Justin Bieber comments, an India-Pakistan frenzy can result from the most mundane of videos. I was watching a trailer of an Indian movie called “Delhi Belly”, and a passionate Pakistani commented, no doubt in reply to an Indian's equally colorful comment:
1)      we pakistani fuck ur indian moms then u indian comes .... Pakistanis r ur fathers bloody indian fuckin ass whole ...
 It’s such a convincing argument. There are definitely no ‘wholes’ in his statement.
Then a proud Indian replied in comparable eloquence to the thoughtful opinions of his neighbor:
2)      Listen up you asshole......you and your fucking terrorist infested country is of no use to this world and hence can go to hell......Pakistan is more likely to be called Bullshitistan.....dipshit.....­..get a life loser....if you are a son of a single father, then dare not to speak another word about our country....for its our country who is mercifully sparing you thieves constantly...any other country would have Nuked your bloody soil and send all you crap bastards to hell !!!....
The Indian’s comment is studded with creativity: to rename Pakistan as Bullshitistan is, both, genius and pragmatic. Makes me wonder why it hasn’t already been done.  
 And this is, by far, my favorite:
3)       u fukin pig shit eater , eat my shit . u son of a whore go search u r father . u r mom a whore who can take an elephants dick in her filthy ass . fuckin joker how dare u talk shit like this . i will naked u r mom and sister and make them run naked on the streets u tick of my pubic hair .
This is brilliance. I can’t even tell if this guy is an Indian or a Pakistani but, either way, he is my hero. Since the first time I encountered this comment, I always wanted to use the line “You tick of my pubic hair”. But this insult is much better delivered by a guy than a girl for reasons I don’t want to get into.
However, I remain optimistic and hopeful that I may, one day, get to use a part of the above comment in my everyday life. Perhaps, during a job interview or even in the happy moments of a close friend getting pregnant, I can offer my heartiest congratulations by saying:
“U fukin pig shit eater, eat my shit. U son of a whore go search u r father…”